Couples with the strongest and healthiest relationships are not immune to problems. The COVID-19 pandemic swooped down with a deadly virus bringing with it a lot of fear and stress. The fear of losing a job, fear of closing a business, fear of a reduced income, fear of getting sick, and fear of losing a loved one can keep anyone on the edge. All of this stress and anxiety can negatively affect a marriage. But it’s how a couple responds to the stress and how they support each other that is the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship.
When I am anxious and feel as though there is so much out of my control, I search for something (or unintentionally someone) to control. Often my way of control is in the form of helping others. I, like most women, are nurturers. I heal the wounds, fix the hurt feelings, and mend the heart. But I am my husband’s partner, not his mother. At times when stressed, I try to fix what I perceive is a problem, but instead, potentially create problems.
Do you find yourself doing the same thing?
Here are some ways I let anxiety impact my marriage.
I Don't Know When To Stay In My Own Lane.
I have spent 25 years working on process efficiency as part of my career. When I see an opportunity to make a process easier, I insert my opinion, with the intention of making a situation easier for someone else. Here is a perfect example. While sitting together one evening, I noticed my husband working on a task and I bulldozed him with my opinion on how I would do it in a more efficient manner. I thought my way was faster knowing he ha a lot on his plate, I thought I was helping. His response to my strong suggestion was polite but not the grateful reaction I expected.
I realized that I offered a solution to a problem that was unsolicited and therefore I became irritating. My lesson here was that I need to realize my way is not always the preferred way. Everybody has their own process. My reaction to his lack of enthusiasm stirs a couple of uncomfortable feelings for me. First, I felt I was not needed and appreciated for my skill. Second, I became super-sensitive that I was now an annoyance and I should just keep my opinions to myself.
Neither are healthy feelings and if not discussed with my spouse could leave to withdrawal and or resentment. My husband and I discussed my feelings to his reaction and he explained just because he did not take on my idea, I should not get offended. He just prefers his way of doing things.
I Feel Like I Need To Solve All Problems.
I call myself a Solutionist. I am usually the person that gets people “unstuck” from the problems they bring to me. I love helping others and being able to watch the relief on their faces when their problems are solved.
It brings me so much joy to see my husband smile. When he isn’t happy, I want to do whatever I can to see that smile again. If I am responsible for that smile, my heart flutters. When my husband comes to me about a problem he is experiencing, I am itching to solve it. Many times, he just wants me to listen as he vents. The last thing he wants to do is transfer that stress to me. So in these situations, I need to Be Still, Be Present and Listen. What’s more valuable to him is a trusted partner that is not trying to fix everything but can listen or be a shoulder to cry on when needed.
I Camouflage My Anxieties As Someone Else's Problem.
One person’s anxieties can put a lot of stress on a relationship. I am constantly concerned about my family’s well being. My obsession is unhealthy for my sanity as well as for my marriage. I often critique my husband’s exercise and nutritional choices. In my opinion, he needs to make his health a higher priority in order to not be a statistic and susceptible to the issues that many African-American men have and die from at his age.
As usual, his response to my critique is done in a polite and respectful manner, but he continues to choose what he wants to do. This leads to additional inquiries about his diet and exercise routine (or lack of one) every few days. until I get the response and results that I am looking for. After a while, it becomes more nagging. Who wants to be nagged all the time?
One thing I noticed is that as much as I say it’s about my husband and concern for his well-being, it’s really about me. I am concerned that if something happens to him that I will be by myself. This thought of being without my friend of 30+ years terrifies me. Nagging doesn’t help but discussing my fears to my husband does. He assures me that he is doing what is in his control but there are many things in life that are out of both of our control. For those things, we need to rely on our faith.
I try to force a conversation.
I get really annoyed when I ask my husband a question and he ignores me. When I ask twice and I know he hears me, but I don’t get a response, my question is usually a topic he doesn’t want to discuss. When I mentioned how his reaction bothers me, he said he doesn’t respond to a topic that was previously discussed and nothing has changed. It is better to not respond than to argue about it, with the same end result. In order to maintain a healthy relationship, communication is key. My desire is that he would give me a gentle reminder when I am not doing something he has asked of me before. Many times, I am not paying attention, return to old habits, or just plain forget.
However, there are times that each of us just needs a cooling-off period. Great communication in a relationship includes non-verbal communication. If your spouse or significant others gives cues that he or she needs a cooling-off period before engaging in a conversation, then the other person should be respectful and give that time. Forcing a conversation during the hearing of the moment could lead to more harm in a relationship due to hurt feelings.
There is Help.
If you feel that you are not able to work through your stress or anxiety on your own, there is help. There are free anxiety attack helplines and resources that are available.
One is the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264).
Another resource is Dr. Paula Levine. She is a seasoned therapist specializing in anxiety, relationships, and eat disorders. https://www.docpaulalevine.com/
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